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....Hello!
Well, it's definitely been a while hasn't it? How are you? How have you been? I hope you're embracing the festive season, and that you're well! Here's an appropriate Seth Cohen GIF to help you out.
I thought I'd come and let you guys know that I'm alive, I survived my first term at university and I am here to tell you all about it. As usual, this is probably going to be a long-ass post. High points, low points - the real tea is about to be spilled so grab yourself a snack and snuggle up, 'cause this was my first term at Oxford!
Wowee. Well, you hear a lot about Freshers week before you start uni. I arrived on the 30th of September, doe-eyed and extremely anxious...checked into my room, waved goodbye to my family, and then went to the common room, where everyone was accumulating. Actually, at that point, the common room was barely inhabited. There were a few people sat on sofas drawing up conversations. And what did I do as soon as I walked in? You guessed it, I walked straight back out. What a great first impression to make! I went back a little later, and by then it was completely packed and I stood in the doorway with a few other people, trying to act like I was cool and confident. Have any of you ever watched me try and be cool and confident? It's not pretty.
To tell you guys the truth, my anxiety was sky-rocketing so hard that I barely spoke to anyone for the first few days, and stayed in my room every evening to watch Strictly and the X Factor. It was a very difficult week, actually - I'd expected myself to embrace this new lease of life, the freedom of being away from home, but when I woke up every morning, I still felt weird. Not homesick but....a bit lost. And I was told that that's a very normal way to feel, and that everyone feels the same way, but when everyone else is talking and laughing and doing stuff together, it sure as hell doesn't feel like that!
Thankfully, a few days later, I came out of my shell a little and dipped my toe in the water, and it turned out that the water wasn't actually that cold...so I submerged my whole foot, and over the next few days, I managed to get waist deep! (We love some metaphors here on Singing Sonnet).
It helps having some wonderful friends from sixth form living less than 5 minutes away, but everywhere I went, there were people in exactly the same boat - happy to say hi and introduce themselves. The girls who live on my staircase are absolute dreams; they are so lovely! Oxford really is a beautiful place to be living in...my daily cycle ride to where I have my lectures is breathtaking and I kind of have to pinch myself a little bit. From the window of my top floor room, I can see the incredible blue dome of the Radcliffe Camera (apologies for the blurry photo).
They weren't lying about the intensity of it. Week 1 started, and oh my gosh, I was hit with lectures, reading for lectures, reading for tutorials, essays for tutorials, problem sheets for statistics...there wasn't a lot of breathing time at all and I have definitely perfected the art of power-napping.
But let's not focus on the work. Let's talk about some amazing things that have happened in my first few weeks.
I performed at my first open mic! It was in our dining hall and I went wrong many times, but it felt good to release that part of me straight away, have that finally be a part of me that I can just transform into and be confident doing it. I did another in the penultimate week of term: a solo AND a duet with a lovely girl named Catty! It felt more incredible than most other things, to be honest.
At Oxford, we have this thing called college families. Two (or more) second years got 'married' in their first years and they are given first year 'children'. Being honest, it works for some and doesn't work for others, but my college parents are definitely the absolute best. They are scarily quite a lot like me...they love musicals and GLEE (yeah I had to stand up and calm myself down when I found that out) and all things music. It was so good to have our first meal together, and in our last week they invited us over to their flat and our college dad cooked us an INCREDIBLE meal! They leave us kiddies little treats in our pigeonholes, and honestly, nothing quite makes your day like finding a Ben's Cookie with a handwritten note to accompany.
So, two weeks in, I realised walking to places was a little too much exercise than I'm used to, so I decided t0 buy myself a bike! I wouldn't ride it for a few days, because trust me, there are A LOT of buses in Oxford, and cycling is kind of aggressive here. But then, a friend persuaded me to cycle behind her on my way to my lecture, and I did! My God, cycling in Oxford is a bit of a MOMENT. You feel like you're part of the fabric that holds this little city together. Just read that back and oh my gosh, you guys must be rolling your eyes at my ability to make anything dramatic! :D
Another awesome thing that happened: matriculation! Matriculation is the formal registration of students into the university, and it was such a wonderful, memorable day! We got to finally dress up in our black robes and ribbons, and although it took probably six centuries to get us all on to the big metal frame for the photo, it was actually a whole lot of fun. The ceremony itself wasn't very long at all...the Chancellor said a few words in Latin and then we all got up and left! Afterwards, most of the freshers at my college were going to the park to have drinks and go punting, but my friend Ciara and I decided neither of us were up for that, and ended up having a lovely, quiet Domino's in our college garden! There was barely anyone in the college, and it was so amazing to find someone who felt just as anxious as I was about the whole thing. Later, I met up with two of my school friends who are also at Oxford, Rowan and Junaid. We took some brilliant photos, and just as we were saying goodbye, we found The Oxford Ferrets (check out their instagram here, you won't be disappointed) scuttling around the RadCam! Cutest little things I have ever seen.
I was so grateful for my school friends Penny and Noama coming to stay for a night with me at several points in the term. It is honestly amazing to have people who will travel an hour and a half both ways just to come see you, and I'd never thought that I'd have such amazing friends who would do that for me! I had such a great time showing them around, eating pizza, and just talking about life. I don't think I'm ever gonna forget that big, dramatic, emotional hug Noama and I had when she got off the bus at Oxford, or when Penny came with me to my subject initiation ceremony and was probably scarred for life! We climbed up to the top of St Mary's Church, and it really puts this beautiful city in perspective. My lovely friend Anna also came to visit, and we had the best time walking around the city centre together, and going for a spontaneous punting trip with her mum and our friend Nathan! It was a dreamy day. I also went punting with Noama, but that is a story for a whole 'nother day, because it was probably the most disastrous experience of my life!
The arts fellow at our college this term was Amanda Brookfield, who is a published author, dog-lover and all-round amazing person. She ran a few writing workshops which were SO MUCH FUN and really made me laugh and get out of my shell. She is just so funny, but she has been really understanding on a personal level as well. I told her about my anxiety and she was so helpful, dropping me emails to catch up on how I'm doing.
A top moment of mine from the term has to be my last day. For genuinely the first time that term, I was bouncing around with a great big smile on my face. In the morning, a guy named Josh (who I met at Amanda's workshops) and I went for tea and cake with her at a cafe, to tell her how much we had loved her time at the college and how sad we were that she was going. It was such a lovely talk, and we may have even persuaded her to come back next term....hopefully! She really is incredible! Josh and I have also talked about starting a creative writing society at our college when we get back next term, and honestly, that is the most excited I've been for something in ages! I spent time after that packing up the remains of my room with music blaring from my speaker. Just before sunset, I met up with my friend from sixth form (who also happens to be studying in the college right behind me!) Nathan, and we had a hot chocolate and caught up, which was also just wonderful. It is great having people who have known you for a long time, because you can just be yourself and honest around them. Later, just before leaving, Ciara and I helped each other get our boxes into storage for the vacation. Bless her, Ciara's room is probably the furthest (in terms of the number of stairs) from storage you can get, and we almost cried laughing as we tried to heave her boxes down those stairwells. That was an experience, alright.
I went out three times in the term, and my gosh, my eyes have been opened. They have seen things...that they can't really unsee. Being the only one sober on the dance floor presents you with a lot of situations that you just wouldn't have been in had you been inebriated...I'll leave it at that.
Now, I talked about the highs, but I have to be honest...they were few and far between.
I found fitting in to university life extremely difficult. When everyone around you is drinking and smoking and have a whole lot of memories about drinking and smoking to fall back on, it's really hard to engage and find something you have in common with them. Sure, everyone is absolutely great and I loved their personalities from afar, I was always terrified if anyone even said hi to me. I didn't know how to react, how much to smile, how much to talk. I ended up fulfilling my own prophecy and being very quiet and withdrawn from it all. I didn't get involved in any societies, barely ever socialised and didn't really speak unless I was spoken to.
It really surprised me, this big personality shift. In my hopes and dreams for Oxford, I had always thought about becoming more confident, more outgoing, being less insecure. Instead, I felt like I completely backtracked. I kept my head down, didn't dare get involved in anything, and never really attempted to make friends. Thankfully, my friendship with Ciara, my college brother Michael and another wonderful girl Lucie saved me from being completely friendless, and I love those guys so much already.
The first few weeks, I was sort of getting the hang of it. Doing the work, living by myself, popping round to Tesco's. But then I got ill.
At the end of the third week, I had a huge crash. I think it was an accumulation of everything that has happened in the last few years, just ganging up on me all at once. At that point in time, I wasn't really comfortable with contacting my very new college friends, and my school friends were miles and miles away, so I felt incredibly alone. I got extremely ill. I physically couldn't get out of bed, and I cut off contact with everyone. I shut myself into my room, didn't eat for days, and really lost most of my basic functioning.
I had an emergency doctor's appointment. We talked through it all, through my loss of control, and she decided that I needed to be seen urgently by the mental health services. I was put into contact with them straightaway. I spoke on the phone to a psychiatric nurse, as well as a doctor. They saw me very quickly, in a matter of days (days through which I stopped going to any lectures, and basically lay on my sofa all day), and took me through a full, thorough assessment at the hospital. This was incredibly draining, and at the end, I felt like they'd taken absolutely everything out of me. After everything ended, I had another doctor's appointment, and I was told something that I've been suspecting for a long time now.
I have depression.
Wow. It feels weird saying it. I don't think I've actually said it loud, or even typed it until now. It feels so definitive...like, this is it. This is me screwed for the rest of my life, officially.
I am now trying out antidepressants, for the first time ever. In the first few weeks that I took them, I actually felt worse (which I knew was normal). I was nauseous, I couldn't sleep, I was so dizzy, and my appetite fluctuated massively. Some days I didn't eat anything, and others, I ate like a pig and felt guilty afterwards. But I guess what hurt me most of all through that process was that I went through it completely alone. I went to every appointment, to the hospital, by myself. This was such a huge event in my life, I felt like absolute crap, and I had to go through it alone, just because I couldn't tell my family. I couldn't tell anyone, because I didn't want to be that girl that everyone felt like they had to tiptoe around.
I still can't really get my head around it. Things are so wrong inside me that I've actually been diagnosed? It's strange. It's cold. It's medical. I was given a few counselling appointments by the University Counselling Service, and they told me that I really needed something long term. However, putting me on the NHS waiting list would equate to nothing, so they suggested private therapy. Of course, this isn't really an option, because I didn't have a job before coming to uni, and my only source of income is from my parents! Student loans, the cost of living...I can't make space for £60 a week counselling sessions, can I? They gave me a list of therapists and told me to think about it, but...hmm.
The remainder of the term was difficult to get through. I was so ill, I didn't want to see anyone, and the most problematic thing was that I couldn't work. I had absolutely zero motivation to do anything, let alone go and spend five hours writing an essay. I managed to churn them out by doing them on the day they were due, but they were a huge source of stress for me. I felt too intimidated by my tutors to say anything about the workload. My social life was practically nonexistent.
Only at this point have I actually realised how difficult it is to live with a mental illness, especially when you can't tell the people closest to you. I have had anxiety for years, but nothing has ever hit me as physically as this has. I've never felt so debilitated, so absolutely helpless.
It's a new period of my life now.
We always try and be positive here on Singing Sonnet, though. Next term, I will have more of a handle on living alone. I know that I have friends, right there whenever I need them. My friend Nathan has been a godsend, as well as my college friends. I will need to make a physical effort, and that's going to be hard...but you know, I could crack it. I could figure out how to get out three essays a fortnight, and not leave work to (often literally) the last minute. I could figure out how to balance a social life on top. Maybe even a society or two on top of that! Okay, this is getting a little ambitious, and maybe I should set my sights a little lower, but the truth is, there are things to look forward to, even though it's scary.
The creative writing society, for instance. More open mics and college concerts! The possibility of Amanda staying on for another term! Getting to know my college friends more! Snow, hopefully, which means snowball fights and snowmen! Smuggling a microwave into my room so I don't have to trek to the kitchen (wow, this is really pushing it)! Redecorating my room when I get back! Teas with my staircase girls! More coffees and catchups with my school friends! More endless writing on my Wattpad books, and in general! Trying to challenge my inner Brendon Urie and having high hopes!
Okay, there are exams too, both at the start and the end of term, which I haven't really started revising for....
BUT the point is, life at any university has ups and downs. Some days, you absolutely love being there, and other days, you hate the place. Friendships are hard. They take time. Illness is hard. Work is hard (no kidding). You really start to wonder why they call uni the best years of your life. But in a weird and wonderful way, maybe it's because they have so many ups and downs that they are the best years of your life. You really grow as a person, and although my personality has backtracked in my first term, that wasn't my fault, and I know I can come back stronger. Maybe not next term. Maybe not even this year. But I will.
Love, from a very tired and flu-afflicted girl spending the holidays in Karachi (ooh la la), and hoping you're doing good, wherever you are,
SS xx