Me

Me?

Past, Present and Future. Three words, which are so small, in all truth - too small, to describe how many different mes are going to surface, and fade, and give rise to more. At the moment, this feels so hard to accept - such a difficult concept to grasp!

The me right now, feels as though she's come nowhere since me at 11 years old. Is it, accurate, then, to predict that the same me will be writing the same words seven years later, feeling exactly the same feelings?

If I'm being realistic, no. Who knows what the world is gonna throw at me in the next seven years? Although, at the moment, I'm very much concerned with what the world is gonna throw at me in the next seven days...Anyway, the point is, I can't tell the future. So why am I trying to? Who knows, maybe I'll be in a happy place, or a happier place, or just somewhere where I truly belong.

But, am I realistic? No. Even as I wrote the paragraph above, I laughed at myself. Who am I kidding? With the problems I have now, I know exactly how things are going to happen, because I know me. Don't I? I know that I have a lot of wide-ranging issues - issues that won't just disappear, because they haven't over the last seven years, so why would they over the next? I know that as I grow older, it becomes more and more difficult for me to be normal (for want of a better word) and to make normal connections with people because I have such a messed up way of living and thinking.

So, I'm saying it. I'm terrified of the future. In fact, I dread it, because I dread knowing that it will be exactly like it is now - and I guess that's a very pessimistic way of seeing it. But I know me. Or so I think.

I like to think I know myself. I'm capable of accessing my deepest emotions, and I am definitely a thinker (if not an overthinker) - I know what I like, what I dislike, why I do what I do. Isn't that enough? What part of me is there, that I haven't thought about, or haven't known? Maybe I didn't when I was younger, but I definitely know myself inside out now, at 18.

I thought about it long and hard - what I don't know about myself. And then it hit me. What I don't know, is what frankly no-one really will ever know.

My own capacity. In the words of Moana - how far I'll go.

I don't know the future. I don't know what kind of path I'm looking at - I really have no idea. I don't know, really, what lies inside me. I don't believe I am that strong, but haven't I kept going? Through times when I thought that breathing was pretty inconvenient? I'm tougher than I think I am, and maybe more of that strength is down there somewhere - and yes, life is probably going to take some pretty random twists and turns. I might surprise myself though - I might pick myself back up from this. I might pick up this sad loser that is typing away with nothing else really to live for right now, and become more.

The 'might' - that's the only thing we have to go on. And I understand - I completely do - that 'might' is not enough for us. It's certainly not felt like enough for me these past seven years. But one thing is for sure - we keep moving. Life doesn't stop. Time doesn't stop. Time is racing away, and so are we.

Me. I think I know myself, back to front. But I don't. I started out blogging because I was trying to find myself - find my own voice. I'm still on that journey, three years later. I definitely have learnt some important things about myself though - I sound stupid when I try and blog about beauty, or makeup or other random things I don't know a lot about. But - I sound passionate when I talk about music - and mental health, and baking. Going places. Seeing things, seeing people.

So what, maybe this blogging malarkey isn't really for me. Am I going to quit? Hell, no. I don't care if it's three people who read it, or three hundred, or three thousand - I am going to be honest with myself. I'm going to be me, and that is exactly who these words are coming from! I can't back down from being myself, even when I feel as terrible as I do, and as hopeless as writing about it feels. Who knows? Maybe some of you get it? I am myself - I live and breathe music, I write, I fantasise about being onstage, or behind a camera, or writing a script. When I struggle, it's difficult to put up that me. The ambitious me, the me that I know. But when I do it - I feel stronger, and like I can touch the world in some way. I wonder where you're reading this...on what device...in what part of the world? I hope, through this computer screen, you can see ME for who I truly am, and what I believe in. And I hope we can be friends.

I'm going through a really tough patch, to be honest. Every time this happens, things seem to somehow be worse than before - but a friend reminded me that writing about my feelings never fails to make me feel closer to the world, to the reality. I'm off to the Isle of Man on Sunday! I'm excited, although I'm not sure whether I'll be able to stop thinking about Results Day enough to enjoy it...honestly, I hope it does me good. I hope there are lots of reasons to smile next week, for you and for me.

Thank you for reading, as always, and my love to you, wherever you are,

SS

xx

#mentalhealth