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Hi there...(slithers out from the woodwork)
So, as you may or may not be aware, I've been particularly absent and busy for the last few months - a lot (and I mean a lot) has been happening. I thought I would ease myself back into this blog by telling you about some of it.
I've left school now - that's a thing. It sounds weird to say, even weirder to write. School has been such an incredibly large part of my life. It might sound a little cliche but it is where I have become a person; where I have realised what my dreams and aspirations are. Where I have felt accepted and part of something special. Inevitably, leaving school is one of those unique endings in life that catapults you into cloudy change: uncertainty and desire to return to the routine.
I was chatting to one of my psychology teachers the other day, and I said - I sometimes wish I could put my uniform back on and start over again in Year 7. She smiled, and quite knowingly replied that I don't though, not really. And that was something to get my head round. She said it wouldn't be the same, I wouldn't be the same person and I wouldn't have the same experience. As much as it may be tiresome for many people, school was a once-in-a-lifetime experience for me, and I wouldn't go back and change it. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to go back and erase all those fundamental errors I made, but it all happened. It wasn't perfect, no part of it was. But that's great. I can't say honestly that it's been amazing and incredible and just brilliant - because it hasn't, sometimes. It's been really, really terrible at times. But my teacher was right - it was unique and will remain a special time to me.
Leaving school is leaving friendly faces whom have stayed with you and transformed throughout; it's leaving those little spots that you called yours; leaving the bliss of walking those corridors and knowing you were a thread in the fabric; leaving the mentors who never let you stop believing in yourself; leaving the places you would go when you would be sick of the world, sick of the people in it. It's leaving the know - the concrete, the sound. It's a loss of purpose, of small pleasures, of innocence.
That might be putting it a bit dramatically, but now the future is open. There's an infinitesimal number of roads I could take - or indeed, find myself on. It would be easier if at least some part of it was certain. Yes, I, like everyone else, am absolutely dying to know my results to find out whether I'm going to be living in Oxford for the next three academic years. Everyone wants that plan, that map. Although, there is a certain dread attached to it as well - my exams were all extremely difficult, and the only grade I feel reassured of getting is my Psychology one. If I don't get my A* in Maths - which is likely after the disastrous final paper, I'm not going to Oxford. It's astounding how simple it yes, yet how life-defining. I'm not even sure I'm going to get my required grade for English, and if I don't get that, I'm not going to my insurance Birmingham either! It's terrifying, not only because my family has been bigging me up to friends and extended family in Pakistan about me being the first girl in the family to get into a world-renown university, but also because it means that my hard work wasn't enough. Compromising my mental health for seven years will have amounted to nothing. I'm never going to get out of my house.
But that aside, the closing days of school were wonderful. Nostalgic and tear-jerking, but wonderful. Practising for our leavers song was hilariously funny, my friend Junaid making up some lovable actions while we screamed out Mr Blue Sky. I found myself volunteering for Sixth Form Entertainment - which is a section that our students run on Leavers Day. This involved writing a comical Teacher's Sketch with a whole group of people adding jokes and frankly quite biting yet hilarious insults (all in good humour) to the school and the teaching body. I acted in it, too - as my incredible Pastoral Head!
Our penultimate day at school, we all wore our old secondary school uniforms. We received our fabulous leavers hoodies, and spent much of the day playing rounders in the sun and nervously awaiting the next day.
Leavers Day was enormous. It didn't seem to end - yet it went so quickly! We spent the morning receiving and poring over our yearbooks (which my friend Lauren and I had already had a sneak peek at thanks to being friends with its co-editor, Nathan) - I don't think I sat down to enjoy the free breakfast, I was too busy signing them! I wanted to write so much for each person - there were so many I didn't get the chance to write in but it was such a lovely, fun-filled morning. No-one had broke out into tears yet, but I was close to after reading my messages! My favourite teacher wrote a beautiful, beautiful message - she told me to remember that the sun is alone, but it still shines so brightly. I think I died on the spot.
Next, we went to the Leavers Assembly, in which senior members of staff give out awards to around fifteen students. It has always been such a special assembly, and growing up through the school I fantasised about being one of those prolific and outstanding people going onstage to get a trophy. The teachers read out a speech about each student before presenting the award, and it is always the greatest fun guessing who has received it.
So many of my friends got up there, smiling proudly and brilliantly under the bright lights. At each friend of mine who went up, I felt happier - Rosanna for her incredible music, my best friend Heath for their inspirational theatrical presence in the school (SO FREAKING PROUD), Junaid for being the literal definition of the school (and will most likely to end up as prime minister) and then....me!
Yes, you heard right, l'il me got an award! It's called the Scheffer Cup, for outstanding contribution to the school's community! I don't think I've ever been that proud in my life. All that hard work, all that effort I put into giving back to the school - it felt recognised! I didn't realise til the very end of the speech that it was me, and teachers that I'm very close with told me afterwards that they were ecstatic watching the realisation spread on my face. I felt a little otherworldly as I went up and received it, and sat down next to my beaming friends. Then, even better - my friends Harriet and Zainäb got awards too (unbelievably proud of both of those gems)! We were absolutely over the moon - so happy that we swarmed to the front of the stage for our leaver's song. I didn't cry, I simply enjoyed it.
The rest of it was sixth form entertainment, as well as the presenting of some more informal awards - Zainäb and I presented flowers to our sixth form heads. When it was finally all over, I hugged my friends hard, and looked around the hall. So many memories. But it felt right; as if this had been a platform in my life - that the train was now tooting its whistle, and it was time for me to go...on.
True, we were back there not many days later to do our exams, but let's not dwell on those (shudders). And of course, we had prom! Prom was AMAZING. First off, my mum and dad finally let me go round my friend Bex's house for pre-drinks. I didn't drink, obviously. The best part is though, she is so wonderful and understanding that she made sure my mum didn't find out that there were boys there too (I would've been in for it). I had such a lovely, sunny time with my friends, taking photos and getting nostalgic.
Once we got there, it was table-jumping time. I wanted to see everyone. Tell them how freaking beautiful they looked. I witnessed some drunk friends for the first time! What an experience! We took so many photos, there was halal food (I know, I was shocked too), and dancing! That's probably my first and last time on a dance floor. I don't even know how to dance. But I was there with all of my friends and it felt SO AMAZING. Music, laughter, friends, what more could one ask for?
Friends. That brings me on to another ending. Everyone has literally gone their separate ways now. It saddens me, that things will never be like they were before, but again - it's right. Change is imminent. I've always had a friendship complex - a difficulty to bond deeply with people, so it feels like a vein is being severed from my heart. The prospect of being in a new place, having to meet new people and be myself around them when they don't know me that well - it seems daunting and exhausting and downright hard. I know that my true friendships will not be ending - I know that, but distance is a thing and going different ways seems like it will only make things harder. Our lives won't cross now, not as frequently by any means. That's scary.
Because of school ending, I've also finished counselling! Four years down the line from when I first started, I know that I've come a pretty long way. I'm definitely not anywhere near great yet, maybe not even okay, but my incredible counsellor helped me find my way and talk back to the voices in my head instead of just listening and believing them. It was a huge step - especially since I don't feel like I've had enough, and my counsellor knows exceptionally well that I'm dreading having to start again and explain my entire life story to a new person. It feels like picking at old scabs, making them bleed again - it's hard enough that I'm trying to deal with painful memories, but now I have to talk about them again and that's just not what I want. I've done it once, I don't feel like I can do it again. This is possibly the hardest ending of them all.
But this summer has been promising so far. I think you're about to see a positive (!) Memoona - one who is going to bring you some quality (if not quantity) blogging content in these next few months. I want to build on these endings, and make some new beginnings. It's time to reach out into the world. No more safety bubble. My next post is going to be my summer checklist. I hope you'll come back and read it!
Well done for reading that monster of a post! I'm so talkative in person that it kind of leaks through to my writing. I can't write anything without making it dramatic or at least giving it some good colourful detail.
Thank you, I hope you're doing good, wherever you are!
Love,
SS xx
Some photos from this post (c) My friends Junaid, Zainäb and Harriet, as well as my school!